So here I am...

I think that I am so small in the world, and that what I am, or who I am, matters so little in the grand scheme of things. I guess we are all small, its just some people have larger effects on the world around them than others. I wish I was such a person, but that is not how I turned out to be. I think in the end, I am searching for just a small world of people I can have an effect on. Sure, I will have an effect on my kids, and that is huge, but I have this thirst to help others that I am not sure can be diminished so easily.

It was told to me that just existing changes the world. If I had never been born, then things would be decidedly different. It is not so much my actions while I have been here, but my very state of being has caused chemical and physical reactions around me that combine with those around others to create something larger. Sure, it might sound like the whole 'butterfly flaps its wings in Africa, causing a hurricane to form over the Atlantic' etc etc, but for whatever reason...it made sense to me.

I strive for perfection, and I know that I will never be that. I try so hard to make those around me happy, that I forget that I deserve it too. I reach for goals that are too high, too lofty, and now I am unsure of what I should reach for. Im too busy holding up those walls to let them go and really go for anything. No...that isn't entirely true either...I let down my guard and woke up my feelings...and I fell in love.

So here I am. The world around me will keep turning if I am here or if I die, and the effect that I have on the world is negligible...but for now, I hold on and hope that maybe I can learn how to do for myself what I have been trying to do for others for so long.