The darkness is suffocating. I guess I'm lucky that I was able to fend it off for so long as it is, but being free from it for so long has also made it that much harder to deal with. I feel so incredibly lost, and so incredibly worthless. I went and let go, and that is when the darkness sneaks in and clamps itself around my mind. It's hard to breathe, and I dont know if it is because I am sick again, or if it is because I am drowning in lack of direction.

Crimson rain and pain killers make it easier to breathe, easier to deal with the overwhelming feelings that are taking over. I try so hard to find something to be mad at, but in the end, every thought leads me back to me being at fault one way or another. Pull the pain away, pull it all away. My dreams are turning increasingly eerie, and I wake with the feverish dull pains of whatever occurred in my dreams. It hurts, but it draws my mind away. It's getting more difficult to tell the deathly woes in my dreams, from the pain I feel in the waking world. I dreamt that I stabbed myself in the stomach with a K-bar last night, and I woke up this morning with the worst stomach pain I can remember.

I talk to much...no one cares about the little stupid parts of my daily life. No one cares that I might finally get somewhere. No one cares what I spent the day working on. No one cares that I am sick again, or that I have a migraine, or that my website got another visitor. No one really cares, and my sharing it just proliferates the fact that I talk too much. Shut up Marissa, no one cares! No one cares about your stupid little pathetic life that you continually fuck up over and over. NO ONE CARES!

This is my last place of solace. The last place I can talk and type and they can't see it. They can't tell me how stupid I am, or how bad Ive messed things up. They can't tell me that I am worthless, a bad parent, a horrible addition to the human race. I can sit in my room, alone, with nothing but me, the painkillers, the stinging hurt, and my keyboard. It hurts more, but it eases the pain...a paradox that few understand, unless they have been there. Who cares. If the world refuses to care about me, then I refuse to care about the world. Let them die, let them fall to the evil of the world. Perhaps they will come to understand the pain and anguish that they put others through, but probably not. No, it seems as if I was created for the purpose of handling the pain so that others could go on about their lives without having to feel the hurt.

Remember the days where we could connect on a level that seemed...impossible? Where did that go? Have I finally scared you away? If not, then maybe you should be. You are the only one who has not told me how I've screwed up, and how worthless I am...it seems to me that if the rest of the world thinks it, there has to be some truth to it. Like the song says, there will come a day where 'I will let you down, I will make you hurt'. Maybe you should run while you can, before I can fuck things up beyond repair.

God, I want to go back to being the halfway giddy, awesome girl that you knew in the beginning. The one that didnt annoy you...the one that didn't make you repeat yourself, and the one you fell for. I am afraid...the deeper you get into my mind, the less awesome I will become. The less desirable I will be. I am still stuck...at a time when the world was against me...at a time when death was the goal, and life was meaningless. I try so hard to drag myself away from those thoughts, but in the end, I think it would be better for the world and everyone in it.

You once told me that it is sometimes easier to shut everyone out because it is easier than letting someone in. I am so scared to let you in here...the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. It is ugly in here, where blood stains the walls, and the weeping of years worth of pain is the soundtrack. The stench of death wafts through the air, and rivers of hurt cut through a dark and drab landscape. There is a side of me you have not seen...perhaps glimpses here and there, but I go to great lengths to hide it. I am not sure if you would be able to help me cope, or if you would simply go away, but the thought of loosing you is too much to bear. You said you weren't going anywhere, but you have never been here...

Finally, the pain is waning as my head gets lighter and dizzier. I can't think right anymore, and for that, I am thankful. Into the darkness I drift, hoping beyond hope that I make it out alive. HA! Take this Josh, you asshole. You failed. You LOSE! You think that you had some kind of holier than thou impact on me and my life...well, you didnt. You found me like this, and now that you are gone, I am just like I was. You accomplished nothing...aside from putting me deeper in this hole. I hate you. As much as I try to be amicable, even today, you are mean and evil. I HATE YOU! You are the worthless one...you screwed it all up...why do I have to hurt and you dont?

Darkness, come find me. Take me like the tide, out to the fathoms of an ocean with no end. In the dark, perhaps I will find peace. Far away from the judgment, the hate, and the expectations. Let them all hate me, it wont matter if I am not around to hear it. Let them say how worthless I was, and how I was a bad mother, and how I did everything wrong. They won't be able to hurt me anymore when I can't hear them.

Crimson rain...falls down around me. Codine makes it easier to handle. And here I am, breaking my own heart...so ironic on Valentines day.

Just remember, whatever you decide to do, I love you. It is the only thing I am sure of right now. What I wouldnt give to see you for just a moment...to be close, where you can catch me when I am falling...to know that someone needs me...

Please...take the pain away...let the darkness encompass me...and make me hurt no more.