Night falls on the end of yet another week in the life of the Rissa...and again I find myself not wanting to leave where I have come to be. I feel so at ease here, with people that accept me for who I am, as odd as that is. I feel like maybe I belong somewhere, and I am not alone. But, as everything in my life does, it comes to an abrupt end.

I watch my son, and his reaction. It is so...baffling. The child that has no real connections to people outside of me and those in his daily life has almost immediately grasped on to you, and he doesn't want to let go. He has found something that allowed him to fall so easily, just like me. Watching him transform from the kid that just doesnt build social connections, to a kid who has so much love and so much need for that role model and someone to catch him when he falls...it breaks my heart to think that now I have to put him through what I have to go through each time I tear myself away.

I send us both back to the isolation and loneliness that Asheboro has become. I tell him that you are not going anywhere, and that you will be there for us both, and honestly I am no longer sure if I am telling him that to reassure him, or if I am trying to tell myself that it will not be much longer before we can simply be. I wish I saw things from your point of view, where it is so easy to be apart, but I can't. In fact, I find it increasingly more difficult to wrap my head around you and how you feel...but then again, dealing with someone who actually has feelings is so...different. At least there is no doubt about what I am telling him...I know you are not going anywhere.

I really don't want to go. I hate Asheboro, I hate Florida, I hate my mother, I hate that city, I hate being alone. I hate being where the silence gets to me so much. I really hate not being able to get up and go out once and a while. Everything about that life is something I want to forget. Slowly, things that I had shared with Josh are fading, closing, disappearing, falling...and the last will be when I leave Asheboro. That day cannot come fast enough...

I want so bad to feel ok. I want to be normal, a part of something that is not sad, isolating, depressing, lonely, etc. I see glimpses, and then I must return to life and reality, and it sucks. Now, I have to force Connor to go through it too, and my heart will break as he still suffers. I want more than anything to take him away from that. I want to give him the life he deserves. I might not be able to save Kenna, but she will be ok. Connor...I worry about him.

So, here we go again. What I would give to have this over and done with...or to simply be numb. If there were a way to numb the feelings and the pain, I would jump on it. I hate being me, being so emotional...and still so broken. Fear drives me...it grips me, and forces my mind down paths that I would rather avoid. It's like a voice telling me that I am not good enough, nor will I ever be. Sure, I've gotten better at telling that voice to shut up and get lost...but it's still there.

Why are things so hard? Why does everything in my life have to be like moving mountains? Don't get me wrong...I am so in love with you, and I would happily move mountains if that is what it took...but for once, I would like something to simply come naturally, to happen without having to hurt and dig my way to whatever end I seek.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy...

I hate whoever said that. They should be drug out into the street and shot. Why does EVERYTHING have to be so fucking hard?

Ugh. I dread tomorrow...and all I can do is hope that there is enough of a distraction to keep Connor's mind busy and off of having to say goodbye.

I love you.