God, home. It's empty, silent...and again I am back to the depths of my own mind. Today was one of those days, and here I sit again, thinking of how to dig myself out of this emotional pit my mother seems to invoke. Why can't I just ignore her? Why can't I just let her words flow over me and away, down the river of life? It makes me want to scream.

So here I am, feeling so worthless. It's not my fault. It's not my problem. I don't know why not being able to make her happy has me so lost. She will never be happy, and yet, the fact that she repeatedly tells me that I am worthless, not good enough, and plain stupid in life gets me upset over and over again. I'm not sure why I bother to go down there...especially when I have to apologize to anyone around me for her actions.

I'm kicking myself over and over again for falling asleep too. The realistic side of my mind is telling me that no one can run on 2 hours of sleep a night and actually stay awake once things calm down...but I miss your voice...and the fact that I fell asleep mere minutes before you were there kills me. I so want to hear you, and feel you, and just be there next to you...but no, I fell asleep. I know I need to stop beating myself up over it, but I dont know...I find the little things so important, and it just makes me so sad.

I really don't mean to seem so...attached...I know you need space and so on, I just don't think I am ready to step too far away from that which has held me up during some of the most difficult steps I have taken in life. Still, as much as I want to hear you and talk again, I know that you know how to get ahold of me, and you will when you have time. In the meantime, I will be here waiting as always.

I will always be here waiting. I know you probably won't get the reference, but this comes to mind...

"I'll be here."
"Why...?"
"I'll be waiting here..."
"For what...?"
"I'll be waiting for you...so...if you come here...you will find me."
"..."
"I promise."

Anyways...I can't wait to talk to my love again. You are that important in my world. To the world, you might be just one person, but to this one person, you are the world.

<3

Rissa