Dawn breaks again, bringing with it the torrent of sober memories. I curl up into a ball and will it to go away, but it won't. It torments my mind, making me sick to my stomach...or maybe that is the pill...who knows. I watch you sleep, and I dread the day I have to leave this place. Sure, I know I've not been perfect, but this week has been wonderful for me...and I can only hope that it was good for you as well.

My feet hurt...the pain shoots up my legs when I try to walk, but I force it because I have to. It's the price I pay for whatever it is that I still am blaming myself for. I really don't know what it is that I feel I should be punished for...but somewhere in my head I simply grin and deal with the pain because it could be worse. The last thing I need today is to revisit my nightmares, and thus perhaps the pain will serve as a redirection that will keep my mind focused on what is here and now, and not on what plagues my mind.

I hope that these emotions wane...I simply dont want to deal with the intensity of things when I am home again and alone in the darkness of the night. I have set my mind towards a goal...to make as much money as I can while I am alone. Perhaps it will keep my mind from the loneliness that comes with sleeping alone every night, wandering an empty home, and finding myself in the dead quiet of my own world. I just need something to keep my mind busy...and I guess this is as good as anything.

I dont know...I feel so lost sometimes. I wish that things would fall into place like they do for so many others. I wish I had a handle on my world so that I didn't have to hurt quite so much. In the end, I just want to be up here with you where I dont have to wait a month until I see you again...