Giving yourself time to get your head straight is a great thing, especially when medication or emotion, or anything else for that matter, clouds your thoughts and makes you mad for little or no reason. I learned that you can say things you really don't mean, and you can even feel things that you shouldn't when you are under the influence of outside sources. It was good I did not write here when I was in that mindset...

The other night, my daughter told me how much she liked daddy's girlfriend, and being that my mind was so foggy, my brain heard that she liked her more than mommy. I was so mad that I was seeing red, but as time wore on, I calmed and saw it for what it was. She is not a replacement for me, but she is a fun person. I guess I can live with that. When the newness wears off, and the kids realize that she is here to stay, things will even out I am sure. If they don't, then I guess we deal with that as it comes.

I guess it is hard for me to really trust that the world, my world, is not going to fall down around me. Before I could control it, my world came crashing down on a constant basis. As a kid, I faced far more than I would ever want my kids to even think of...being raped, and the emotional mindfuck that comes with it, being kicked out of my 'home' and having to live at the local shelter, trying to connect with the only other kid there and being told that they were 'trash' and I shouldn't talk to them...learning that compassion is generally misplaced, and that people only are nice or stick around while they want something or are getting something from you...finally finding a home, only to be evicted shortly after...literally living on water and ramen for months on end (Ramen for breakfast SUCKED), and walking a mile to the grocery store to steal real meat, and a candy bar...it was the candy bar I got caught for too...*sigh*...

Eventually we ended up in the slums, the ghetto, the forgotten corner of Brevard county. The kids that were too young to even go to school were running around with knives, the elementary school kids were hanging on the playground smoking weed, the high school kids were so anti-white it wasnt funny...I don't know how many times I ran in fear of being killed, or worse. I had never been so scared, and so willing to give it all up anyways. All I wanted was to be loved, to have a friend...and it seemed that no matter where I found what I thought was a friend, it was all a lie. They only wanted something...

I learned more in that two years than any other time in my life. I learned how to survive on the streets at 12 years old. I learned that I could feel loved if I was willing to give something back...and the older boys had no problem allowing the exchange. I learned the talk, the walk, and how to stay out of the sights of the white-hating groups of teenagers. I learned to like rap, to dance, and to braid weave...I learned to eat crab legs, chitlins, and the random recipes that my peers mothers made. I learned how to have fun with almost nothing. We were all poor, and it was a dangerous place to live...but I learned. Looking back, it scares me to death, and I have no idea how I got out alive...or at least without so much more harm being done to me...

I grew up fast. I learned to take control. I couldnt handle the world crashing down on me anymore. I found out how to hold up the walls, and that is what I have been doing ever since. I might think that I am in control of my destiny, or my future or whatever, but perhaps the reason that I think I have no willpower is not because I dont, but it is because when I start to follow a dream or want, the walls start to buckle, and I have to go back to holding them up.

I never thought I would ever have help. I never thought that there would be anyone here that just was here because they enjoyed being around me. There is always something that someone wants, and when that is gone, the person leaves. That's how it's always been.

Over time, a deep sense of misplaced trust, ground in uneasiness, and false hope has made it so hard for me to trust. I know it seems like I will never be settled, and I will never realize the world isn't gonna come crashing down tomorrow...but please realize that I've never had anyone here to help me, and it is so hard to let go and just...trust.

I never had to trust before, because I have been in charge of everything since the day I took control so long ago. My past relationships were never co-operative...I have a hard head, and when I see a problem, I attack it. I am so scared of being hungry again, I am so scared of being on the streets again...I never EVER want to return to that point in my life...and I will do anything I have to in order to prevent it. So you see...it is hard for me to let go. There has never been a backup, there has never been anyone here to tell me it's ok...there has never been a place to go in case something goes catastrophically wrong...my parents don't care, and who do I have really after being isolated for so long?

Driven by my fear...sometimes it makes me blind to what is and can be.

Know that I am trying...I am trying to learn to trust in you, your words, your actions, the fact that there are fallback plans, people in general, and the world around me. I'm not used to not being alone...