It's crazy cold, and I feel crazy sick. Ugh. Even so, I still wish I was north, but my time will come. In the meantime, I have tons of work to do, and though slow, it's coming along.

I am so excited about the chance to go to WV in Feb. Even if the next week I have to head down to florida, I still am excited to see my love and meet those who are close to him. It's nice to be around a family that actually communicates as a family. I dont know how many times I wished in my life that my parents at least seemed to care about things in my life, but they still don't seem to. All I ever got told was 'dont screw up', and something about my mother blowing her head off. I am so sick of her and her idea that the world revolves around her...and of course when I blow up at her I get the silent treatment for the next week. Oh, how I wish I didn't have to go down there...but I guess shell and dan will be my saving grace, enabling me to not have to stay at that obnoxious house.

Fear is something I have been dealing with lately, and I am so worried that I am going to fail at what I am trying to do. I want so bad for it to work, and I keep telling myself that these things take time. I am still learning, and I am far from an expert in the field, but Shell tells me that you have to start somewhere, so I guess I just have to jump. As far as business start ups go, I guess the hundred I put into everything is nothing, especially if I can at least make that much back. Well, only time will tell. I will put everything I have into it though, because I want to give you the ability to stay home and enjoy life rather than spending so much time hating it. It is what I want to give to you...I only want to see you happy.

So here we are, another night, another 20 thousand words. More information than I can possibly process at once, but at least I am making headway. Later, Shell and I will get together and attempt something new, and maybe between it all we will see a return shortly.

On another note, I have had time to reflect and think about the time I spent in Ohio, and I have come to certain conclusions. I have often seen my sister break down before she was able to cope with a positive change in her life...I think perhaps the same thing happened to me when I was there.

I spent so much time being miserable that I guess I just thought that I deserved it. There didnt have to be a reason, it was just something that I was used to, and thus, it had to be that way. Moments would hit me, where I realized that life shouldnt be so terrible, but it took my friends months to make me realize this on a full time basis. Still, there are times when I am not used to being content and happy, and I fall back into the old mindset. That night in Ohio was a prime example...

Still, something broke that night as well. Its as if I shattered the old life and made room for something so much better. Since that night, a calm has instilled itself where panic used to be, and though I miss you horribly, I still realize that we have time...nothing but time.

When you put together this breakdown with the building bricks that you gave me that week, we see the beginnings of the life that I might actually deserve. No, I don't realize how much you love me...that is still a foreign concept to me, but I am trying to get it. What you told me about the safety net and not talking before you went to work so that things would fester when I was alone was something else my mind keeps going back to. As much as I don't want to impose my issues and problems on you and your life, I think I am starting to realize that you know it comes with the package, and you seem willing to take it all on to get the end result.

You have no idea how hard it is for me to understand why you would do that.

Still, breaking the old lines of thought and allowing the new, I am trying to realize that there is something here deserving of life, love, and happiness. It will take me breaking myself down, and you are building me up.

You make me happy. You make me smile. You make me feel your love...and it is getting more and more difficult for those bad thoughts to invade my mind and tell me that I'm doing something wrong. Whatever happened, whatever broke that night in the dark snow, and whatever panic and pain I went through, it has changed me, even if it is just the base to what I will soon be building.

So...let me borrow those bricks of yours that are waiting on standby, because I will never break your heart. I say we use them to create a bridge to a new world. You said you would be waiting for me...so...here I am...

"Sometimes people put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

~ Kaida...the wall breaker. ~