Im not sure what goes through my mind sometimes. Its like being happy overloads my emotional circuits. I feel so...needy sometimes...I guess I need the reassurance that not everyone in the world is out to hurt me.

If it's true that I lose control on those bad days, then I need to find a foothold that allows me to stay grounded. It's like teaching myself to dream lucidly...if I can gain realization, then maybe the bad days will be less painful. What makes my blood boil? How do I change melancholy into something more productive?

I don't know that I will ever be totally over the fear of you leaving...or anyone leaving...I think that of all things, that is a fear I will hold for a long time. At the same time, the more I dwell on that fear, the worse I feel, especially on the days where i already feel like the world hates me. I have to stop floating along...I have to stop drifting wherever my emotions go. It is time to take control and stop allowing the world to fall down around me.

As I sit and reflect, I realize how selfish I really am. I know that I am not the only one with pain....I am not the only one with trust issues, nor the only one who has lived through tough times. Your mom actually told me that life is just a roller coaster, and its not about the ride, but rather who you choose to ride that coaster with. Who better to ride the wild ride of life with than those that love me, and those who I love...where honesty, trust, and friendship bind us together. Together...alone the world is cold and painful, but when we are together we can begin to enjoy rather than just endure.

The bad days are coming less often. What used to be my life from one day to the next now only bites me every couple of weeks or so. I have to work at putting the bad thoughts out of my mind until something presents itself that I can grab onto and use to pull myself out of the rut. Eventually, I might be able to stand on my own two feet, but in the meantime I am ever thankful for you and shell and dan...for support that knows my inner demons, where I don't have to work on hiding the nightmare while trying to overcome it. Putting everything I have on a single front might just be enough to overcome that which has plagued me my whole life.

So every time I get the nagging thoughts that I could do something that would make you go, or that for whatever reason you just want to leave, I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am choosing to simply trust you. You have my heart, my whole self...and you could totally devastate me if you wanted...but in giving myself to you I trust that you will protect those things. Im letting go and I believe that my trust and actions are anything but misguided.

Above all, I need to love myself. Seriously...if there is something here that made you fall in love with me, then there should be so much more for me to love about myself. I so dont want to go home, but I know I will see you soon, and I have work to do to set us up for the future!

Huzzah! (I love you guys...)