I feel like a...punching bag? Yo yo? Im not even sure anymore, but it does not feel normal. These mood swings have gotten extreme...so much so that I almost cheered when you said I didnt have to take those damn pills anymore. It just seems like since I started them, the already over the top emotions have gotten worse. I just cant cope with some of these feelings anymore. They are so intense and real that they have started to manifest themselves within the physical realm, creating phantom pains of days gone by that just should not be there.

I think things finally broke...again...when my nightmares started to blur into my waking life. What I share is so much deeper than just a physical feeling...all you have to do is look in my eyes and see that I am in a different place, a different time...away from the hurt, pain, and chaos of the rest of the world. Perhaps that escape is part of what has made me love those moments, and the fact that those moments have bled into my dreams has given me more of an escape from the pain...

Somewhere between sleep and awake, in the early morning before I had any right to be coherent, my nightmares reached into my memories. It was then that I felt something was wrong, and I had to prevent it at all costs. I began second guessing everything. It was also then that I wished my dreams were confined to feelings and lack of color. No...everything I have gained over the past few months came together to form the most horrific dream I have had to experience. I woke confused, and it took me a moment to realize where I was...Each hour that passes, I am able to lose more and more of the details...but flashes of moments are burned in my head, and once again i fear that which I have finally let myself enjoy.

I've been pregnant before, but it did not feel like the darkness that suffocated me in my dreams. What began as somewhat of a joyous event where even you were smiling...quickly spiraled into a bloodbath. Im trying to think of what I might have watched to provoke the images of dying in childbirth, the pool of dark, almost black blood, and the fact that I never got to tell you goodbye before I could no longer breathe or view the world...but there is nothing that I am connecting it to. The feelings that I had experienced once before, with you, when I had my kids, seeing them for the first time, knowing the room I was in...it all came flooding back. They were real feelings and moments...

I just don't understand why it took the few good memories that I have from me....it tainted them all. My moments with you turned into death, pain, and blood...the moment my children were born tainted by the red stains of my life spilling onto a sterile floor. I looked to the side like I did to see my son for the first time, but all I saw was emptiness. You werent there beside me, but beyond you stood, blocked by the glass...you and the kids...but my arms were strapped down as they were when I had my c-section...and though I felt my own life draining away, I couldnt even send my kisses your way. I died...I died watching you and Connor and Makenna waiting for the entrance of a new life into the world...a new life that died with me...and then the darkness took over and you all faded from view.

The loneliness was unbearable...and the result...extreme fear. Why am I so broken...? Why can't I be normal? Why do my nightmares have such a hold....?

I couldnt tell you the images...I tried so hard to, but the words would form on my lips and I felt as if I was kicked in the gut. The wind was knocked out of me, and all I could manage was the transference of concern to more real world thoughts that would get me what I needed without having to go over my nightmare, but there I faced another nightmare...losing everything. I needed to make sure that there was no way in hell that I would be pregnant, and even though I had to walk six miles in the snow in the dark, it was what I deserve for allowing myself to enjoy and get lost in physical pleasure. One side of my mind tells me that this thought is just so...stupid...but something in my head tells me Im not supposed to enjoy life. Why...? One of the first things you have to do in order to heal from abuse is realize that it isn't your fault...but when faced with stress my mind seems to slip back into that train of thought...and I want it to STOP!

I returned from a hot bath to find a message...'oh...I love you!' and I broke into tears. I don't feel like I deserve that love. I don't know what I have done to deserve this...no matter what I say or do...no matter how effed up I think, what topics I bring up, or how dark my past is....you are still here. WHY?! I don't deserve you...Im just a mess, I bring bad luck, I cant cope with things sometimes...and you are the one that I will fall back on. I am so afraid of what I bring with me. My past is haunting, my future uncertain, and the darkness seems to follow me no matter where I go. Do you know how deep this goes? Do you realize what I am? Why would you want to stay...?

I love you...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever think that I don't. And if I should die, all I ask is the chance to say goodbye. You are so much more than my biggest dreams...you have ignited the fire of love that I have held inside for so long...just know that I never want to hurt you, I only want you happy...

As for my nightmares, perhaps making my mind foggy will make them easier to stomach. I want to tell you about it, but it is so hard to get what is in my mind out...and half of it is so messed up that I am truly worried what you might think of me should I reveal them. Still...you have not left yet...perhaps I have finally found someone who I can face these feelings with...time will tell, but maybe, I can finally start to heal.