The Struggle Inside.

Why is it so much easier to put things on paper than it is to say them? If you think about it, so many more people have the potential to read what I write here than if I were to go talk to a friend...and yet here I write. It seems to be a freeing thing for me, and people scare me. No, I'm not always afraid that they will hurt me, on the contrary, I am more afraid they will leave me.

Why am I so afraid of losing those that I love? Why do I fear being alone in the world? More importantly, why do I feel so broken...?

Love is an amazing feeling. It transforms total darkness into something worth seeing. Just as light floods the horizon at dawn, love floods the horizon of life and gives you something to look at that you probably didn't see before. It also transforms your thoughts...you become hesitant to say how you really feel, and I know that I want to hide that broken side of me that rears its ugly head when I am alone in the silent night.

I honestly want to be fixed. I want to be ok. I am so tired of feeling like this...this...how do I explain this...? There is an emptiness inside, deep and intertwined with my soul. To my very core it exists, and it is where the fear pools like blood on the floor. Fear, insecurity, pain, and the darkness of my years on this earth. It is the coalescence of horror and nightmare, every fear, every near miss, so dark, so big it overshadows the good.

Though the dawn has shown me so much that I had never seen before...I feel chained to this place where I stand. I can look, and taste of the glory that is there, but when the world calms and is silent, I once again find myself wrapped up in pain. The quiet works against me, and so I change the song. Change the soundtrack and change the mood...but why does it still hurt?

What I thought would hurt and dredge up years old pain never did, in fact, it brought me memories that have opened doors where I can hide when the worst of the nightmares come. Recent happiness shines brightly enough to chase the shadows of the past away most of the time, but they still haunt me...they are still there. I want to heal, I want to be better, and I am thankful that I can at least act like I am better...but now I am afraid.

Oh, how I wish I could build a wall and block out all the pain. I wish I could borrow some of your ability sometimes. What you have built stands true...but though I wake in the morning standing tall, the building is so fragile. Mere words can level it, actions are decimating, and though I scurry to rebuild it, the day is lost...and I am broken once more.

I don't know what to say, or how to say any of it. I'm still fighting here in my head. I'm still scared I will lose my best friend. You know things I've never shared with anyone...details that no one else bothered to ask...you are still here...but there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind that asks 'for how long?' There is a voice that tells me 'everyone leaves you...everyone'.

I fight off the fear, plaster the smile on my face, and act as if nothing is wrong. I get lost in the growing memories, moments of happiness, seconds of a life I want so desperately on a full time basis...I forget for a little while about the hurt, and the nightmares wane...it is your gift to me.

I don't know how to express my feelings to you. I am afraid you will think I am crazy and run away. I don't know how to tell you about the parts of me that are still very broken. I've found a feeling that makes me feel human, like I matter, like its worth it finally....and I am so afraid of losing it that I stay quiet.

I love you...