Christmas Eve.

It is a holiday where so many people seem to gather; friends, family, strangers...it seems that both the best and the worst of people come out at this time of year.

I walked into a church tonight, and felt utterly empty. It was a feeling I was far from prepared for, and rather than feeling the stirring of the season as I usually do, I got lost in disparity. It was as if my soul was crying, reaching out for the 'Christ' and finding nothing on the other end. I am no stranger to despair, hurt, pain, and suffering, but the feeling of emptiness that suddenly took over nearly knocked me off my feet. I sat in the back pew, staring up at the cross over the altar, hiding from the people around me.

More and more now, I make decisions and then am slammed for the decisions that I make. I have come to second guess everything...to wonder if what I am doing is really the best, or if it is just what I want. And what is wrong with what I want anyways? Why am I not allowed, at all costs, to be happy at all? What did I do to deserve the trash talk, the hate, the yelling and screaming....what did I do to incur the wrath of everyone I seem to have once been close to?

So I separate...putting in the wedge so that we are pushed further apart. You wonder why I dont call or send things anymore...perhaps it is so that you cannot hurt me when you go off on those tangents...

I push everyone away, and I am isolated in the night. Yet, I so desperately need someone to hold on to. I am not as strong as I make myself out to be. I am not solid enough to handle the impending doom that is sure to sweep my way. Instead, I will buckle and give in. Either I will find a happy medium...a solution that will make everyone at least somewhat happy in the end, or I will lose. That is how my life is...

More often than ever before I consider just drifting. While the thought appeals to me for more than one reason, I think that my need for control would take over and disallow the drifting to occur. I wish so much I could just let things run as they should...run the course as they were meant to. No, there is a predetermined end that I want, and I do everything I can to force things to head in that direction. What I dont realize, until it is too late, is that in doing this, I am making things go in the other direction...though forced, when I let go at the point where I want things to be, everything and everyone repels each other.

It seems to be my own personal doom. I cannot let go, yet I cannot hold on...I am being tossed around, shattered on the outcropping of rocks along the coastal shores...and there seems to be nothing I can do but hope one day someone will come along and understand me...and perhaps maybe be able to help fix me.

I have my loyalty to give in return...and more love than is probably fathomable by any human being on the planet. God knows how much I love you...the emotion fills my core till it hurts...and in the back of my mind there is a voice that tells me you will leave, and I want to cry. What is the plan if you do? I keep trying to think of what I might do, but aside from withdrawing into myself and never allowing anyone else in, I am not sure what to do.

Over time things have changed, and I am so confused. I wish you would explain it to me, but I feel so....stupid asking. Half of me wonders if you are starting to pull away already....and the rational part of my mind says that you simply have fallen into a trusting relationship norm...

Before, when there was no promise of future communications, we lived in every moment that we were given...now, as you have won my love, and I yours, we have started spending more time in our daily lives and less talking. At least that is what the rational side of my mind says...

But my insecurities rage, and I feel as if I have chased you away, or you have found something that you hate and just dont want to tell me...why do I have to be broken?!

I glance at the tree, all lit up...and get lost in the instrumental beauty of christmas music...and I wonder where the magic has gone. This time of year used to be the one time of year I looked forward to. I would decorate months in advance, and the tree would always be decorated to the hilt. This year I didnt even bother to get my carousel out of the attic...

Life is looking up, yet the emptiness remains. It might be difficult to comprehend in such a materialistic world, but there is not much I want this year. I can only hope this christmas that someone takes the time to hold me, to block out the nightmares, the world, and the pain...and let me know that everything will, eventually, be alright...