Maybe it's the fact that everything seems easier after the fact, or maybe I just like to make things out to be more than what they are. Who knows. Things were so hard to face for such a long time, and I did everything that I could to avoid them. Perhaps it was this that made me feel as if things would never get better or change.

In the end, the overall process has been much easier than I ever imagined. Going from so unhappy...being so miserable all the time...to being content with most days of my life has been fast. Almost too fast. Sheesh, if I had known that it was this simple, then perhaps I would have done it long ago and saved myself some heartache.

Then again, I think that having someone to catch me had a lot to do with me taking that step. I have been so isolated...so alone...for so long. I forgot what it was like to be around people. I am slowly learning what it is like to be somewhat normal again, rather than stuck in a corner and contained...destined to provide for an overage child and his friends. Freedom feels so nice.

If things had not gone the way they had, I would not know you. Perhaps fate doesn't exist, but it was a long and complex road that led me to you. The serendipity of the events that comprised the broken road is almost too much to think pure coincidence, but no matter what it was, I am ever thankful that this is where life has led me. It has not been easy, and there are still scars on my soul that perhaps may never go away...but you once told me that you were never going to run away...and I am beginning to trust in that.

I was never one to go out and tell anyone about much. I held it in and ignored it. I would hide in my room if I needed to break down, and I would push on...alone. For some reason, you made it easy to talk to you. Something about who you are made it simple for me to delve into things that I wasn't willing to talk to myself about. I faced things I had hidden for years, and I think the only reason I was able to was because you were there with me...always willing to change the subject and put a smile on my face if I needed it. Steady hands, guiding me through the nightmare, ready to catch me if I started to stumble, and set me back on the path.

Death is no longer something I wish for. Even the night I got drunk in Ohio, it was not like the nights that I would get drunk alone here. Those nights I wanted to die. I wanted the blood to flow, and the last time I tried, you stopped me. Those thoughts have gone from my mind, and in the short time that we have been friends, I have uncovered a side of life that I had been thinking only existed in fantasy. It was only for other people, never for me...and that is no longer true.

It seems as if I was ready to let the bad go, and as time goes on, the bad days become less and less a part of my life. Perhaps one day they will fade into my nightmares. Either way, I am thankful to have my friend and lover beside me as I tread onto this new land.

Giving yourself time to get your head straight is a great thing, especially when medication or emotion, or anything else for that matter, clouds your thoughts and makes you mad for little or no reason. I learned that you can say things you really don't mean, and you can even feel things that you shouldn't when you are under the influence of outside sources. It was good I did not write here when I was in that mindset...

The other night, my daughter told me how much she liked daddy's girlfriend, and being that my mind was so foggy, my brain heard that she liked her more than mommy. I was so mad that I was seeing red, but as time wore on, I calmed and saw it for what it was. She is not a replacement for me, but she is a fun person. I guess I can live with that. When the newness wears off, and the kids realize that she is here to stay, things will even out I am sure. If they don't, then I guess we deal with that as it comes.

I guess it is hard for me to really trust that the world, my world, is not going to fall down around me. Before I could control it, my world came crashing down on a constant basis. As a kid, I faced far more than I would ever want my kids to even think of...being raped, and the emotional mindfuck that comes with it, being kicked out of my 'home' and having to live at the local shelter, trying to connect with the only other kid there and being told that they were 'trash' and I shouldn't talk to them...learning that compassion is generally misplaced, and that people only are nice or stick around while they want something or are getting something from you...finally finding a home, only to be evicted shortly after...literally living on water and ramen for months on end (Ramen for breakfast SUCKED), and walking a mile to the grocery store to steal real meat, and a candy bar...it was the candy bar I got caught for too...*sigh*...

Eventually we ended up in the slums, the ghetto, the forgotten corner of Brevard county. The kids that were too young to even go to school were running around with knives, the elementary school kids were hanging on the playground smoking weed, the high school kids were so anti-white it wasnt funny...I don't know how many times I ran in fear of being killed, or worse. I had never been so scared, and so willing to give it all up anyways. All I wanted was to be loved, to have a friend...and it seemed that no matter where I found what I thought was a friend, it was all a lie. They only wanted something...

I learned more in that two years than any other time in my life. I learned how to survive on the streets at 12 years old. I learned that I could feel loved if I was willing to give something back...and the older boys had no problem allowing the exchange. I learned the talk, the walk, and how to stay out of the sights of the white-hating groups of teenagers. I learned to like rap, to dance, and to braid weave...I learned to eat crab legs, chitlins, and the random recipes that my peers mothers made. I learned how to have fun with almost nothing. We were all poor, and it was a dangerous place to live...but I learned. Looking back, it scares me to death, and I have no idea how I got out alive...or at least without so much more harm being done to me...

I grew up fast. I learned to take control. I couldnt handle the world crashing down on me anymore. I found out how to hold up the walls, and that is what I have been doing ever since. I might think that I am in control of my destiny, or my future or whatever, but perhaps the reason that I think I have no willpower is not because I dont, but it is because when I start to follow a dream or want, the walls start to buckle, and I have to go back to holding them up.

I never thought I would ever have help. I never thought that there would be anyone here that just was here because they enjoyed being around me. There is always something that someone wants, and when that is gone, the person leaves. That's how it's always been.

Over time, a deep sense of misplaced trust, ground in uneasiness, and false hope has made it so hard for me to trust. I know it seems like I will never be settled, and I will never realize the world isn't gonna come crashing down tomorrow...but please realize that I've never had anyone here to help me, and it is so hard to let go and just...trust.

I never had to trust before, because I have been in charge of everything since the day I took control so long ago. My past relationships were never co-operative...I have a hard head, and when I see a problem, I attack it. I am so scared of being hungry again, I am so scared of being on the streets again...I never EVER want to return to that point in my life...and I will do anything I have to in order to prevent it. So you see...it is hard for me to let go. There has never been a backup, there has never been anyone here to tell me it's ok...there has never been a place to go in case something goes catastrophically wrong...my parents don't care, and who do I have really after being isolated for so long?

Driven by my fear...sometimes it makes me blind to what is and can be.

Know that I am trying...I am trying to learn to trust in you, your words, your actions, the fact that there are fallback plans, people in general, and the world around me. I'm not used to not being alone...

It seems to me that being sick is a whole lot like blood in the water. Just like a wounded animal, the predators sense that I am weak, and they choose now to attack. It is the moment where I need support, that all of it vacates. When I thought I was making headway, suddenly I am reminded of why things are how they are...

It's one thing to be picked on by those who love me, because in the end, they make sure that I am ok and have what I need. They sit with me when I need a friend, and they get me orange juice and applesauce to make me feel slightly more human. Of course the people who are close to me know I am weak and now is a great time to pick because I wont fight back...but I don't have to worry about them deserting me when I fall.

Outsiders somehow know that this is the prime time to attack as well. My brain is foggy, and I cannot fight back as I should, so what better time to get their way. I don't know whats going on until its over, and by then, it's too late to do much of anything about it.

I don't get why Josh is so insistent that Connor has no problems. He was here for the meltdowns, he knows how they go...and yet he wants to take him off the meds.

'You arent a doctor'
'But I've done the research!'
'But you arent a doctor! If you were concerned you should have been by my side all along.'
'Well, I wasn't'
'No shit.'

Im sick of the battles, sick of the war. Im tired of trying to be the person and parent everyone else wants me to be. Im tired of being tired, of muddling through life as if there is nothing better. I've seen better, I've seen the bright side, and the fact that I am NOT worthless. I just have to make it out of this alive...

In the meantime, I will just try to keep the sharks away until the blood is gone.

It's crazy cold, and I feel crazy sick. Ugh. Even so, I still wish I was north, but my time will come. In the meantime, I have tons of work to do, and though slow, it's coming along.

I am so excited about the chance to go to WV in Feb. Even if the next week I have to head down to florida, I still am excited to see my love and meet those who are close to him. It's nice to be around a family that actually communicates as a family. I dont know how many times I wished in my life that my parents at least seemed to care about things in my life, but they still don't seem to. All I ever got told was 'dont screw up', and something about my mother blowing her head off. I am so sick of her and her idea that the world revolves around her...and of course when I blow up at her I get the silent treatment for the next week. Oh, how I wish I didn't have to go down there...but I guess shell and dan will be my saving grace, enabling me to not have to stay at that obnoxious house.

Fear is something I have been dealing with lately, and I am so worried that I am going to fail at what I am trying to do. I want so bad for it to work, and I keep telling myself that these things take time. I am still learning, and I am far from an expert in the field, but Shell tells me that you have to start somewhere, so I guess I just have to jump. As far as business start ups go, I guess the hundred I put into everything is nothing, especially if I can at least make that much back. Well, only time will tell. I will put everything I have into it though, because I want to give you the ability to stay home and enjoy life rather than spending so much time hating it. It is what I want to give to you...I only want to see you happy.

So here we are, another night, another 20 thousand words. More information than I can possibly process at once, but at least I am making headway. Later, Shell and I will get together and attempt something new, and maybe between it all we will see a return shortly.

On another note, I have had time to reflect and think about the time I spent in Ohio, and I have come to certain conclusions. I have often seen my sister break down before she was able to cope with a positive change in her life...I think perhaps the same thing happened to me when I was there.

I spent so much time being miserable that I guess I just thought that I deserved it. There didnt have to be a reason, it was just something that I was used to, and thus, it had to be that way. Moments would hit me, where I realized that life shouldnt be so terrible, but it took my friends months to make me realize this on a full time basis. Still, there are times when I am not used to being content and happy, and I fall back into the old mindset. That night in Ohio was a prime example...

Still, something broke that night as well. Its as if I shattered the old life and made room for something so much better. Since that night, a calm has instilled itself where panic used to be, and though I miss you horribly, I still realize that we have time...nothing but time.

When you put together this breakdown with the building bricks that you gave me that week, we see the beginnings of the life that I might actually deserve. No, I don't realize how much you love me...that is still a foreign concept to me, but I am trying to get it. What you told me about the safety net and not talking before you went to work so that things would fester when I was alone was something else my mind keeps going back to. As much as I don't want to impose my issues and problems on you and your life, I think I am starting to realize that you know it comes with the package, and you seem willing to take it all on to get the end result.

You have no idea how hard it is for me to understand why you would do that.

Still, breaking the old lines of thought and allowing the new, I am trying to realize that there is something here deserving of life, love, and happiness. It will take me breaking myself down, and you are building me up.

You make me happy. You make me smile. You make me feel your love...and it is getting more and more difficult for those bad thoughts to invade my mind and tell me that I'm doing something wrong. Whatever happened, whatever broke that night in the dark snow, and whatever panic and pain I went through, it has changed me, even if it is just the base to what I will soon be building.

So...let me borrow those bricks of yours that are waiting on standby, because I will never break your heart. I say we use them to create a bridge to a new world. You said you would be waiting for me...so...here I am...

"Sometimes people put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

~ Kaida...the wall breaker. ~

It's quiet tonight. Well, quiet in my mind. There is nothing really to do, except throw myself into the work that I have been given over the past couple of days, and the work that I am creating for myself. I know that there are people successful at this...I can only hope that I can uncover this success...and if I can't, perhaps I will gain the guts I need to ask for help.

Tomorrow morning we head back to the south...where life is less than desirable, and things are never simple...but at least now I take with me a couple of things......

There is some kind of inner peace I have now...knowing you have pretty much seen me at my worst, which I guess was not as bad as I perceive it to be, but now that you know I don't have to stress so much about hiding it for fear of changing your mind about me. I am me, and I am glad you got to see the broken side of things...All I can say is those moments are generally quick, and though I try to wrap my head around them for a few days after, they go away and I return to reality...

I am not nearly torn about leaving as I have been the last times we have parted. I truly enjoyed the talks we had, and I think that they helped me realize the reality of the situation. You are not the flighty type, and stability being what I need...well...it works out well. We both have trust issues, but the fact that you have always come through on what you have told me allows me to calm down a bit, and I find myself more willing to trust words. I feel less concerned about you ignoring me or avoiding me because I've made you mad or you just dont want me around anymore...and my feelings are based more in the reality of how you feel. I guess I need to say thanks for sharing some stuff, the talking really was nice.

At any rate...I will miss being able to see you...being able to watch you sleep and know you are there...but I know that you are there, and if I need you, you are only a phone call or IM away. It wont be but a few weeks until I get to see you again, and I am very very excited about meeting your mom and sisters. Im not so much starting a countdown again...but I am looking forward to it. As always, time I get to spend with you makes me happy...so there you go...

Thankyou for everything my love...it was a wonderful couple of weeks and I really enjoyed it. With so much to work for now, it seems the future has direction, and for once I rise to meet it rather than dreading it.

So long Ohio...until next time. (A few months, tops.)

Im not sure what goes through my mind sometimes. Its like being happy overloads my emotional circuits. I feel so...needy sometimes...I guess I need the reassurance that not everyone in the world is out to hurt me.

If it's true that I lose control on those bad days, then I need to find a foothold that allows me to stay grounded. It's like teaching myself to dream lucidly...if I can gain realization, then maybe the bad days will be less painful. What makes my blood boil? How do I change melancholy into something more productive?

I don't know that I will ever be totally over the fear of you leaving...or anyone leaving...I think that of all things, that is a fear I will hold for a long time. At the same time, the more I dwell on that fear, the worse I feel, especially on the days where i already feel like the world hates me. I have to stop floating along...I have to stop drifting wherever my emotions go. It is time to take control and stop allowing the world to fall down around me.

As I sit and reflect, I realize how selfish I really am. I know that I am not the only one with pain....I am not the only one with trust issues, nor the only one who has lived through tough times. Your mom actually told me that life is just a roller coaster, and its not about the ride, but rather who you choose to ride that coaster with. Who better to ride the wild ride of life with than those that love me, and those who I love...where honesty, trust, and friendship bind us together. Together...alone the world is cold and painful, but when we are together we can begin to enjoy rather than just endure.

The bad days are coming less often. What used to be my life from one day to the next now only bites me every couple of weeks or so. I have to work at putting the bad thoughts out of my mind until something presents itself that I can grab onto and use to pull myself out of the rut. Eventually, I might be able to stand on my own two feet, but in the meantime I am ever thankful for you and shell and dan...for support that knows my inner demons, where I don't have to work on hiding the nightmare while trying to overcome it. Putting everything I have on a single front might just be enough to overcome that which has plagued me my whole life.

So every time I get the nagging thoughts that I could do something that would make you go, or that for whatever reason you just want to leave, I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am choosing to simply trust you. You have my heart, my whole self...and you could totally devastate me if you wanted...but in giving myself to you I trust that you will protect those things. Im letting go and I believe that my trust and actions are anything but misguided.

Above all, I need to love myself. Seriously...if there is something here that made you fall in love with me, then there should be so much more for me to love about myself. I so dont want to go home, but I know I will see you soon, and I have work to do to set us up for the future!

Huzzah! (I love you guys...)

Dawn breaks again, bringing with it the torrent of sober memories. I curl up into a ball and will it to go away, but it won't. It torments my mind, making me sick to my stomach...or maybe that is the pill...who knows. I watch you sleep, and I dread the day I have to leave this place. Sure, I know I've not been perfect, but this week has been wonderful for me...and I can only hope that it was good for you as well.

My feet hurt...the pain shoots up my legs when I try to walk, but I force it because I have to. It's the price I pay for whatever it is that I still am blaming myself for. I really don't know what it is that I feel I should be punished for...but somewhere in my head I simply grin and deal with the pain because it could be worse. The last thing I need today is to revisit my nightmares, and thus perhaps the pain will serve as a redirection that will keep my mind focused on what is here and now, and not on what plagues my mind.

I hope that these emotions wane...I simply dont want to deal with the intensity of things when I am home again and alone in the darkness of the night. I have set my mind towards a goal...to make as much money as I can while I am alone. Perhaps it will keep my mind from the loneliness that comes with sleeping alone every night, wandering an empty home, and finding myself in the dead quiet of my own world. I just need something to keep my mind busy...and I guess this is as good as anything.

I dont know...I feel so lost sometimes. I wish that things would fall into place like they do for so many others. I wish I had a handle on my world so that I didn't have to hurt quite so much. In the end, I just want to be up here with you where I dont have to wait a month until I see you again...