I feel like a...punching bag? Yo yo? Im not even sure anymore, but it does not feel normal. These mood swings have gotten extreme...so much so that I almost cheered when you said I didnt have to take those damn pills anymore. It just seems like since I started them, the already over the top emotions have gotten worse. I just cant cope with some of these feelings anymore. They are so intense and real that they have started to manifest themselves within the physical realm, creating phantom pains of days gone by that just should not be there.

I think things finally broke...again...when my nightmares started to blur into my waking life. What I share is so much deeper than just a physical feeling...all you have to do is look in my eyes and see that I am in a different place, a different time...away from the hurt, pain, and chaos of the rest of the world. Perhaps that escape is part of what has made me love those moments, and the fact that those moments have bled into my dreams has given me more of an escape from the pain...

Somewhere between sleep and awake, in the early morning before I had any right to be coherent, my nightmares reached into my memories. It was then that I felt something was wrong, and I had to prevent it at all costs. I began second guessing everything. It was also then that I wished my dreams were confined to feelings and lack of color. No...everything I have gained over the past few months came together to form the most horrific dream I have had to experience. I woke confused, and it took me a moment to realize where I was...Each hour that passes, I am able to lose more and more of the details...but flashes of moments are burned in my head, and once again i fear that which I have finally let myself enjoy.

I've been pregnant before, but it did not feel like the darkness that suffocated me in my dreams. What began as somewhat of a joyous event where even you were smiling...quickly spiraled into a bloodbath. Im trying to think of what I might have watched to provoke the images of dying in childbirth, the pool of dark, almost black blood, and the fact that I never got to tell you goodbye before I could no longer breathe or view the world...but there is nothing that I am connecting it to. The feelings that I had experienced once before, with you, when I had my kids, seeing them for the first time, knowing the room I was in...it all came flooding back. They were real feelings and moments...

I just don't understand why it took the few good memories that I have from me....it tainted them all. My moments with you turned into death, pain, and blood...the moment my children were born tainted by the red stains of my life spilling onto a sterile floor. I looked to the side like I did to see my son for the first time, but all I saw was emptiness. You werent there beside me, but beyond you stood, blocked by the glass...you and the kids...but my arms were strapped down as they were when I had my c-section...and though I felt my own life draining away, I couldnt even send my kisses your way. I died...I died watching you and Connor and Makenna waiting for the entrance of a new life into the world...a new life that died with me...and then the darkness took over and you all faded from view.

The loneliness was unbearable...and the result...extreme fear. Why am I so broken...? Why can't I be normal? Why do my nightmares have such a hold....?

I couldnt tell you the images...I tried so hard to, but the words would form on my lips and I felt as if I was kicked in the gut. The wind was knocked out of me, and all I could manage was the transference of concern to more real world thoughts that would get me what I needed without having to go over my nightmare, but there I faced another nightmare...losing everything. I needed to make sure that there was no way in hell that I would be pregnant, and even though I had to walk six miles in the snow in the dark, it was what I deserve for allowing myself to enjoy and get lost in physical pleasure. One side of my mind tells me that this thought is just so...stupid...but something in my head tells me Im not supposed to enjoy life. Why...? One of the first things you have to do in order to heal from abuse is realize that it isn't your fault...but when faced with stress my mind seems to slip back into that train of thought...and I want it to STOP!

I returned from a hot bath to find a message...'oh...I love you!' and I broke into tears. I don't feel like I deserve that love. I don't know what I have done to deserve this...no matter what I say or do...no matter how effed up I think, what topics I bring up, or how dark my past is....you are still here. WHY?! I don't deserve you...Im just a mess, I bring bad luck, I cant cope with things sometimes...and you are the one that I will fall back on. I am so afraid of what I bring with me. My past is haunting, my future uncertain, and the darkness seems to follow me no matter where I go. Do you know how deep this goes? Do you realize what I am? Why would you want to stay...?

I love you...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever think that I don't. And if I should die, all I ask is the chance to say goodbye. You are so much more than my biggest dreams...you have ignited the fire of love that I have held inside for so long...just know that I never want to hurt you, I only want you happy...

As for my nightmares, perhaps making my mind foggy will make them easier to stomach. I want to tell you about it, but it is so hard to get what is in my mind out...and half of it is so messed up that I am truly worried what you might think of me should I reveal them. Still...you have not left yet...perhaps I have finally found someone who I can face these feelings with...time will tell, but maybe, I can finally start to heal.

Christmas Eve.

It is a holiday where so many people seem to gather; friends, family, strangers...it seems that both the best and the worst of people come out at this time of year.

I walked into a church tonight, and felt utterly empty. It was a feeling I was far from prepared for, and rather than feeling the stirring of the season as I usually do, I got lost in disparity. It was as if my soul was crying, reaching out for the 'Christ' and finding nothing on the other end. I am no stranger to despair, hurt, pain, and suffering, but the feeling of emptiness that suddenly took over nearly knocked me off my feet. I sat in the back pew, staring up at the cross over the altar, hiding from the people around me.

More and more now, I make decisions and then am slammed for the decisions that I make. I have come to second guess everything...to wonder if what I am doing is really the best, or if it is just what I want. And what is wrong with what I want anyways? Why am I not allowed, at all costs, to be happy at all? What did I do to deserve the trash talk, the hate, the yelling and screaming....what did I do to incur the wrath of everyone I seem to have once been close to?

So I separate...putting in the wedge so that we are pushed further apart. You wonder why I dont call or send things anymore...perhaps it is so that you cannot hurt me when you go off on those tangents...

I push everyone away, and I am isolated in the night. Yet, I so desperately need someone to hold on to. I am not as strong as I make myself out to be. I am not solid enough to handle the impending doom that is sure to sweep my way. Instead, I will buckle and give in. Either I will find a happy medium...a solution that will make everyone at least somewhat happy in the end, or I will lose. That is how my life is...

More often than ever before I consider just drifting. While the thought appeals to me for more than one reason, I think that my need for control would take over and disallow the drifting to occur. I wish so much I could just let things run as they should...run the course as they were meant to. No, there is a predetermined end that I want, and I do everything I can to force things to head in that direction. What I dont realize, until it is too late, is that in doing this, I am making things go in the other direction...though forced, when I let go at the point where I want things to be, everything and everyone repels each other.

It seems to be my own personal doom. I cannot let go, yet I cannot hold on...I am being tossed around, shattered on the outcropping of rocks along the coastal shores...and there seems to be nothing I can do but hope one day someone will come along and understand me...and perhaps maybe be able to help fix me.

I have my loyalty to give in return...and more love than is probably fathomable by any human being on the planet. God knows how much I love you...the emotion fills my core till it hurts...and in the back of my mind there is a voice that tells me you will leave, and I want to cry. What is the plan if you do? I keep trying to think of what I might do, but aside from withdrawing into myself and never allowing anyone else in, I am not sure what to do.

Over time things have changed, and I am so confused. I wish you would explain it to me, but I feel so....stupid asking. Half of me wonders if you are starting to pull away already....and the rational part of my mind says that you simply have fallen into a trusting relationship norm...

Before, when there was no promise of future communications, we lived in every moment that we were given...now, as you have won my love, and I yours, we have started spending more time in our daily lives and less talking. At least that is what the rational side of my mind says...

But my insecurities rage, and I feel as if I have chased you away, or you have found something that you hate and just dont want to tell me...why do I have to be broken?!

I glance at the tree, all lit up...and get lost in the instrumental beauty of christmas music...and I wonder where the magic has gone. This time of year used to be the one time of year I looked forward to. I would decorate months in advance, and the tree would always be decorated to the hilt. This year I didnt even bother to get my carousel out of the attic...

Life is looking up, yet the emptiness remains. It might be difficult to comprehend in such a materialistic world, but there is not much I want this year. I can only hope this christmas that someone takes the time to hold me, to block out the nightmares, the world, and the pain...and let me know that everything will, eventually, be alright...

The Struggle Inside.

Why is it so much easier to put things on paper than it is to say them? If you think about it, so many more people have the potential to read what I write here than if I were to go talk to a friend...and yet here I write. It seems to be a freeing thing for me, and people scare me. No, I'm not always afraid that they will hurt me, on the contrary, I am more afraid they will leave me.

Why am I so afraid of losing those that I love? Why do I fear being alone in the world? More importantly, why do I feel so broken...?

Love is an amazing feeling. It transforms total darkness into something worth seeing. Just as light floods the horizon at dawn, love floods the horizon of life and gives you something to look at that you probably didn't see before. It also transforms your thoughts...you become hesitant to say how you really feel, and I know that I want to hide that broken side of me that rears its ugly head when I am alone in the silent night.

I honestly want to be fixed. I want to be ok. I am so tired of feeling like this...this...how do I explain this...? There is an emptiness inside, deep and intertwined with my soul. To my very core it exists, and it is where the fear pools like blood on the floor. Fear, insecurity, pain, and the darkness of my years on this earth. It is the coalescence of horror and nightmare, every fear, every near miss, so dark, so big it overshadows the good.

Though the dawn has shown me so much that I had never seen before...I feel chained to this place where I stand. I can look, and taste of the glory that is there, but when the world calms and is silent, I once again find myself wrapped up in pain. The quiet works against me, and so I change the song. Change the soundtrack and change the mood...but why does it still hurt?

What I thought would hurt and dredge up years old pain never did, in fact, it brought me memories that have opened doors where I can hide when the worst of the nightmares come. Recent happiness shines brightly enough to chase the shadows of the past away most of the time, but they still haunt me...they are still there. I want to heal, I want to be better, and I am thankful that I can at least act like I am better...but now I am afraid.

Oh, how I wish I could build a wall and block out all the pain. I wish I could borrow some of your ability sometimes. What you have built stands true...but though I wake in the morning standing tall, the building is so fragile. Mere words can level it, actions are decimating, and though I scurry to rebuild it, the day is lost...and I am broken once more.

I don't know what to say, or how to say any of it. I'm still fighting here in my head. I'm still scared I will lose my best friend. You know things I've never shared with anyone...details that no one else bothered to ask...you are still here...but there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind that asks 'for how long?' There is a voice that tells me 'everyone leaves you...everyone'.

I fight off the fear, plaster the smile on my face, and act as if nothing is wrong. I get lost in the growing memories, moments of happiness, seconds of a life I want so desperately on a full time basis...I forget for a little while about the hurt, and the nightmares wane...it is your gift to me.

I don't know how to express my feelings to you. I am afraid you will think I am crazy and run away. I don't know how to tell you about the parts of me that are still very broken. I've found a feeling that makes me feel human, like I matter, like its worth it finally....and I am so afraid of losing it that I stay quiet.

I love you...

Broken. Scattered. Shattered. Torn.

Alone in the silence of the night,
My thoughts drift.
Fear grips me, am I losing sight?
What is real anymore?

The infinite sadness of my mind,
It won't leave me alone!
Let me be, grow, thrive, and find,
That which I am meant to be.

I want so much to be unbroken,
To be normal, and whole,
But it hurts inside, though unspoken,
I want so much to be what I should.

I know life is hard and rough,
But every day is not supposed to be this,
Disparity, it's just tough,
Why can't I leave the dark behind?

Smiles are addictive, happiness is great,
But the poison is in my brain,
I hide it away, keep it locked behind a gate,
But there it is again.

Why can't I be normal and free?
To be what you deserve...
What is this haunting me?
Im so used to hiding the pain...

Revert back to times long gone,
No one cares, sewing up the wounds,
In the dark, to the tune of a sad song,
Forever shattered, lost, broken, and torn.

Night falls,
The darkness invades my dreams.
Fate calls,
Have I really met my end?

Lost,
They say there is nothing left,
Tossed,
Like a ship at the mercy of the waves.

In the night,
I see a softly glowing light shining,
Getting bright,
What does it mean these feelings inside?

I want to hide,
I want to run away and get lost again in the dark,
I tried,
But it was never good enough, let me fade!

Blinding,
Your light gets brighter bringing day to night,
Binding,
I am forced to face the nightmares once more.

It's different now,
You stand with me, you hold me,
Disallow,
Facing these nightmares, you won't let me fall.

Something's changed,
Life is not so dreary, I am not alone,
Lonely exchanged,
For love...

~ Kaida ~