After being disconnected for so long, I find it difficult to view other people as...well...people. I guess I have this thought that people think differently than me, when in reality, they have thoughts that are just like mine. The same basic realizations, moments of clarity, times of trouble, and even fear. I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing, though, that I don't know just what to say. I am afraid of saying what's in my head. I am afraid that I am wrong.

Fear robs us of the things that we want. It takes away the greatness that we could be. Instead, we avoid the thoughts of whatever we fear instead of facing it and finding the good side of things. I guess I feel jaded...the world is giving me all that I ever wanted, but just shy of the whole package. It hurts to think that things would have been so much different just a few years ago. It's like I'm always too late to the party to take part in the festivities.

Time goes on, no matter what we do. I have always believed that it isn't so much how much time we have, but what we actually do in the time that we have. There is no promise of tomorrow, so to dread something that might happen twenty years from now is almost pointless. It just makes it so that we live in fear instead of going after what we want.

Of course, a large part of a healthy relationship is compromise. You can't always just go after what you want. You can't always have the second chance, the whole package, or the full...nine yards? Yea, I don't even know if that fits, but it seems to in my head I guess.

At least I am sure of what I feel now. I'm not lost like I used to be. I know what it feels like to be loved. I know what it feels like to be part of a family. I am beginning to see what a real father is...and what a real partner can be like. Still, it pains me to think that the past, which was out of my control, and the future, which I cannot predict, has such a dramatic grasp on the present.

Hope, however, is always there. I guess I have some goals now, and I will put everything I can toward them. My first goal was to make it so that you didn't have to work at a place that you hated all the time. Although I didn't succeed the way I had set out to, I did succeed in the end. Success by association? Jenny is a godsend in so many ways.

I never looked at it like that before. I never saw that success, but it is there. Here you are, working from home, just months after you had planned to start looking for another job. The thought makes me ecstatic. Now, I have to set my goals higher and find the next rung on that ladder. From my standpoint, the goal seems unreachable at this moment, but that isn't going to stop me from trying.

The motivation ebbs and flows, and some days I just want to give up and tell the world to go fuck itself. The days where nothing goes the way I want it to...the days where I see nothing but obstacles in front of me. Those are the days that make life so difficult. It would be so much easier if I could just make the past go away. Mine, yours, the kids...erase the pain and move on with the childish wonder that makes the world look so much more beautiful than the picture we see each day.

There is so much I have left to do, and yet I am caught up in the drudgery of day to day life. We miss out on so many little things each day, and we fear what the future will bring. Ten years ago I saw myself lost and unable to dig myself out of the dead end job I had and the inability to get the time to go back to college. Five years ago I almost died after spending the better part of a year in horrible pain and more tired than I have ever felt before or since. One year ago, my entire life changed from the dead end nothing to something where my dreams and hopes could once again flourish.

It's a blessing and a curse. While I am able to dream and hope again, it often ends me into thoughts that make me sad. Sure, I will be able to attain some of what I always wanted. The money drain is gone, so finding the money isn't a problem anymore. Time isn't a big deal either, as there is always time if I make it. The typical problems I've dealt with in the past are no longer roadblocks for me.

Goals...I guess mine are kind of simple. A job I am good at. I have it. A family...a real, functional, operational family. I've found it. A lifelong partner that I can really rely on, fall back on, and support. Someone to share everything that I feel, someone that will be there no matter what happens. My best friend, to do things with, to share the joys of life with, and to hold when things go bad. It's all right there. I have it.

So why are there things that still make me so sad? I don't know. I am very content with life, but there is always those major milestones that I want to reach.

We only get one life. We only get so long to make the choices before it is taken out of our hands.

There's more to it than just changing of a last name. It's a commitment, a precedent to set for our kids. It's a promise, not just to each other, but to the world. It's setting in stone that we can and will always work things out rather than turning away and taking the easy path. It is a message to our kids that we will always be here for them. It is a symbol to each other that there is nothing to fear, because whatever the future might bring, we will always face it together.

Until the end of days; ours at least.

I'll never push it. I'll never force it. But in the end, I do think about it sometimes, hoping that maybe one day the picture my mind has painted will be complete.

Either way, I love you, and I will always be here. Regardless, we will face whatever the future brings together.