It occurs to me that the majority of these posts are the result of emotional peaks that I find difficult to control. I want to lash out, but I write it all down here instead. So, it is important that I say one thing.

I am happy.

There are days where I can't stand being alive. I get a thought, and I think of the bad side of everything. It eats me up and I want to cease to exist. The feelings are so intense, and sometimes I feel as if there is nothing I can do about them.

I still cling to the dreams of my youth, and my wishes for the future. It makes for an impossible path, because there is rarely a way to have everything that will make you happy. The point is to be happy with what you have.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I can't be sad by dreams that will never be realized.

Perhaps I never learned the appropriate coping skills as a child. Maybe, if I had, then I would not have this inability to control the vivid emotions that plague me. It's almost like I can't stand being anything but miserable. If faced with happiness, I look for something to be miserable about. It's a viscous cycle that only makes for bad days.

I was in the kitchen, alone, tonight when I thought to myself how happy I was to be here. With a family that I have never seen the likes of. It then occurred to me that I was too busy being happy to think about the bad things. I was too enthralled with life at this moment, that I never even drifted towards the miserable end of things. It made me smile.

Still, I face the days where I find things difficult to handle. There is so much that I wanted out of life. I tried so hard to build it all, struggling to keep my marriage together. I wanted so bad to be married...though I'm not entirely sure why. I like the thought of belonging and the idea that two are bound forever. The idea that two would survive and build a family was next, and that too seemed dashed to pieces. I truly hate Josh. He took so much from me, and even more from the kids.

There are days when I remember all that they missed growing up because I just didn't have the energy. There was no bonding, or even any one on one time. Where one twin was, so was the other. I barely held them at all for the first months. They spent their time in the arms of other people or in their playpen. I just didn't have the strength or energy, and for that I will never forgive myself.

Never seems like such a finite and definite ending.

Coupled with how much trouble I have reading you, and discerning what is reality from jokes, I never know what to think. You are so complex, and sometimes I am just caught off guard. All I know is that I'm here forever, no matter what. What I lose in my past, I gain in my future. I know that...I just hope you can put up with my bad days for that long.