Depression is nothing more than the curse of an intelligent mind.

Think about it. It seems the less you know and understand, the happier you are in general. It makes me want to be somewhat less intelligent sometimes. To be depressed and focus it on everything in an attempt to uncover what really is bothering me is a process that is really starting to wear on me and those around me I am sure. You might not say anything, but my moods can't be easy to deal with sometimes.

Then again, you might just be able to tune them out.

I don't get the world these days. I find myself wishing that I had been born or lived in days gone by. Sure, life wasn't easy, and there wasn't all of this technology, but I wouldn't mind being part of a world that seemed so much more real. At the risk of sounding cliche, I feel as if I am in a world that is anything but real. The Matrix, where I can create my own residual self image in the form of computer game characters, and where I can hide inside my house while I work, play, and exist in a virtual realm.

It's all so surreal these days.

We just don't have the social nature like people used to. What should be worth something is now worth nothing. Instant gratification and self absorbed pleasure seeking have taken over our outward actions. We dress a certain way, and we act a certain way, to ensure that those around us view us in a particular light. The creation of a residual self image using our own bodies as the medium. Forever changing who and what we are until we are happy with the reactions that others feed back into us.

Yet, inside we are all crying.

There is no such thing as true and perfect love anymore. Love, in the modern world, no longer transcends the imperfections of humanity. No, there is nothing kept sacred anymore. There are no more inseparable couples, no more situations where one lover would do anything for the other. The love stories of generations past die with those who leave this world behind. And it's not that we ignore this manner of being, it's simply that we don't know how to follow such paths. The world has changed.

There are no more love stories.

Things seem to be so much different than the world that I want to see. Perhaps that is my problem. Instead of looking at the way things are and have always been in my short time on this planet, I have been looking through the lenses of glasses made for someone who lived, and loved, almost a century ago. Back when war didn't mean planetary obliteration, when people didn't have to degrade themselves to get the opposite sex to notice them, when some things were sacred, where honesty and 'your word' was the most trustworthy contract, and when I Do really meant 'till death do us part'.

The world isn't like that though.

I often find myself crying at night. When the darkness surrounds me I weep for so many things. There is so much pain, so much that hurts. There are so many experiences that I will never have simply because the world is becoming such a hateful and ugly place. You can't trust your neighbors anymore. You can't even trust your own family anymore. I want so bad to live a peaceful and fulfilling life, but doing so seems to put restraints on those around me that cause friction. So I give it up. I hide it deep inside and cry myself to sleep at night trying desperately not to think about any of it. I step aside and try to take care of everyone else, even if they couldn't give a shit about me.

Look at the common denominator.

So many things are failing these days. Millions of people go without basic health care; care that was even available at seventy years ago. People suffer rather than reach out and find a supportive community to help them back on their feet. People stop trusting because someone takes advantage of them. Maybe the biggest reason for all of this is the sheer fact that people don't care about anyone else anymore. People care about themselves. They only want to get what they can, manipulate the situation to get what they want, and use whoever they have to to get where they wish to go. The problem is that everyone is stepping on everyone else. Very few people get to the top, and even then, we know they did it on the backs of others. It's visibly obvious. What ever happened to communication? Cooperation? Respect? Honesty? Commitment?

Whatever happened to an existence that was actually worth something?

We live our lives these days, but our lives are so shallow. We get pissed because we cannot keep the house we knew we couldn't afford when we bought it. We get pissed when we have to 'suffer' without cable TV during a storm. We get pissed when we don't get that new gadget for Christmas. We get pissed when the diamond on the ring is too small. What legacy does this leave to our children and grandchildren? What difference have we made in the world other that to further perpetuate hate, intolerance, and a lack of caring for your fellow man?

Will anything good be remembered?

I live torn. Half wanting to burst into the present and enjoy all of the wonderful things that self absorbing, instant gratification, and a lack of caring for other people and things can bring to my life. On the other hand, half of me holds on to the world that I see in my idealistic lenses.I want so desperately to live that life, so perhaps I make myself miserable so that I do not become the shallow shell that most people are today. If I cannot experience these moments, then I will at least avoid becoming part of the problem that has stripped the world of its goodness. The side effect, of course, is that I am sad. Sad for the world I will never know. Sad for the people who hurt. Sad for my great great grandchildren who will probably know nothing of true, unconditional love at all.

And then I wonder back to the beginning and find myself depressed once more.