I feel jaded. I feel as if someone stole away some of the things that make life worth living. Despite the good, and there is so much more than there used to be, I still feel an unbearable weight that will never go away. It hurts to know certain things, and there is no way for me to run away or escape the fact of what is. I wish I could. I would do almost anything to regain that which others have taken.

No, I would do anything. Anything at all.

I will never be what I want to be. I am never going to be as strong as I need to be. I will never have the family I dreamed of growing up. Deep in the dark recesses of my mind I hide this idealistic thought that maybe things could work out on the framework of such ideas, but I am ever reminded that this is just not how it is to be.

I never had a family, but I dreamed of what mine would be like. I would give anything to hide away and live in that dream...but it will never happen the way I envisioned it, though I find myself thankful for the glimpse I do have.

Bad choices have effects on entire lives. Not just mine, but that of those around me. My kids will always have to live with the fact that their father is who he is. And I will always have to live with the fact that I said yes to what was the destruction of my life and everything I had ever dreamed of.

I spent ten years taking care of his every need. I spent the better part of my 'good years' making sure that he could go from one day to the next without ever wanting anything. He had everything material he wanted. He had beautiful children. He had a dedicated wife. In return, I get no support, no family, and an exhaustion that will never go away.

By choosing this path, I have set myself up to be the only one standing. The last person against the world. With no way out, I am not sure that I want to survive. I have no one to fall back on. I have no way to hide, even for a moment. No, I have to deal with it all, and the best I know how is never good enough.

All I ever wanted was a family. The things that are important to me will never be conveyed because the time for them has come, and gone. I didnt think it was too much to ask...a ring, a get together with friends...a place to hide when I couldnt handle it anymore...support and love...honesty.

No, the time for dreaming is long gone. I can only trudge on now and hope that the darkness finds me sooner rather than later.

I am happy with things now, as happy as I can be I suppose. There is a part of me that will always feel as if people came and took away some very important moments, feelings, and events...but what can I do? I can't go back in time, and I can't make people what they aren't.

The only escape will be at the end. At least I know that no one can take that moment away from me. That is the only promise of life...death.

It's been some time since I've posted, which I attribute to the many other things in life that have suddenly become so much more important that my own expression. Still, there are days where my feelings and my mind seem to take me to a pretty dark place, and I wonder if life is just not easier if it is not life. Right, then left, then right again. One foot in front of the other. Keep going...

What I want is becoming such a murky topic. I don't know what I want in this life anymore really. What I thought I wanted seems to hard, so I just stop caring. There are moments when I feel that overwhelming surge of passion for those things I once really wanted, but those times are few and far between, lost in the mindless babble of the world around me. Make money, make the right choices, do what I have to and then retreat into the virtual world. That is what life seems to have become. At least I'm not hiding anymore.

I find such joy in the moments. It's not the day to day trudge where happiness is, and perhaps that is why so many people are not happy. No, the happiest moments are those few seconds when something profound happens, and feelings surge. The little things that are said that make me feel worth something, the tiny actions that might not seem like much to anyone else. Those are the times when I can say I really am...happy.

The bad thing about finding those little moments is the pain that can be found in them as well. My guess is that these moments are so small because of the tide of emotions that come with it. I don't think humanity could really deal with these moments on a regular basis. I think we are all too weak.

Time marches on, and whatever I end up thinking that I want, somehow has a bad side and I throw the idea away. In the end I will store the few things that never waver deep down inside where no one can find them. If they happen, then they happen, but I will not look for something that will probably never come...